As usual I am stumbling over myself pressing up against deadlines both self-prescribed and those that are not. Why is it so hard to find balance in my days, in life? A few days away and I have a week off from school, but already the work that I need to do is piling up. My studio looks like a rocket went off in it, piles everywhere, and most of the piles and boxes just remind me of what I should be doing, plagued with the constant reminder that I am neither good enough nor organized enough to get it all done. Somehow I manage again and again to pick out the good of everyone’s lives, their huge accomplishments and think I should have done all this. And then I look at what I am saying and think what is wrong with me, to sit here and want to be all these things, do all these things and do them well? I don’t think it is actually humanly possible.

 The house is still, a relished luxury, no one is home but the dog and myself. My husband is at a casting class (eventually I might share some of his amazing creations I am still trying to talk him into doing a esty shop) and the rest of the family is still at work. I don’t have anything pressing yet zillions of things I should be doing but here instead I am spilling words on to the paper speckling it with my thoughts, as the desire to write burns stronger.

I look at the strap of my camera and my fingers as they dance sporadically across the keyboard in their own rhythm and realize I could fill days for years to come, with all the stuff I want to do just for myself, and many more years with the things I would like to do for the world, oh so many things, can you really imagine boredom? There is so much to do, so many causes to fight for, so much research to be done, so much creativity to be born, so much food to make and grow. Yet with all of this opportunity I find myself stalled, frozen, freaked, how can I possibly determine what is the right path to follow, design, or business, art or medicine, family or career. And it’s just that, everything seems either or, black or white and I want the rainbow! I know I will have to find away to paint my own rainbow, to ignore the rules of life and follow my own crocked path.

 I have always been different making decisions in my own time, often very different then the prescribed ideals. Getting married at eighteen, buying a house huge house at twenty-one, changing plans and ending up back with family in a new state. Going to school and getting jumbled degrees from un-prestigious colleges, because I like what they teach, how they think but yet missing opportunities because they don’t have the name. Leaping, falling, picking up dusting off and going all over again I am never fearful yet always worrying. How is it that life comes together in these mixed up shards, that as people we must take these shards and sort and with them make mosaics. 

So tonight I will ignore should have and have to’s and go enjoy a iced latte a good book, rest my troubled mind in the pages of another’s life.