Contentment has crept in, a patience. I am not familiar with this feeling, feeling that life is going as it should that everything is okay. It seems my hard edges are getting rubbed away, replaced with softness, like sea glass rubbed rounded by the lapping of the sea. My fear and worry that previously filled me with frantic waves, breaking over me in tantrums of unreasonableness seems to have fallen away giving way to a slower more methodical mind. My mind is not empty of worry, nor is it always happy, but the ups and downs have leveled from sharp angles to gentle waves. Somehow after all the trials of the past few years I feel more capable, like even when bad things happen we can get through it. That even though life shattered around us, dreams crashed and were stepped on rubbed out like a spent up cigarette, that the ashes and shards can be put together. These fragments can be used to again to make a life, it isn’t the life I had imagined, but it is the life I have. I have done what I have done, I have what I have, and that can’t be measured up to what others have done or have. It is mine and in many ways it is simple.

I am not sure I really knew when I said yes nearly 9 years ago to a man I just meat that I even knew the intensity of love. In many ways I didn’t really know this man, and I was young, but for some reason I knew I wasn’t making a mistake, that it was the right thing to choose this man, to get married to make commitment, to not leave doors open to run through, and so I did. If I had I am sure I would have run, not because there was not fierce love because there is and was, but because that is who I am. I run. Settling down, taking his hand in mine and making a commitment unlike any I had ever known was the single most important step I could/have made in my life. Sometimes wonder creeps in that I could have found love so early, that it could have been right the first time. I am amazed. Almost eight years later I am still amazed, that I haven’t screwed up. I look into his crystal blue eyes teared and blurred from another migraine and I feel such immense love that I would have thought my heart would break.

Somehow, life has changed and I am sure it has been a gradual shift like the tides of the distant ocean. Somehow today I noticed that I am different, I am not fearful like I was once. When I search inside my heart, my mind, dancing around from thought to thought exploring the shadows that lurk there I find myself realizing that while sometimes franticness creeps I have a feeling of trust, that I will get the things I want, but that they will take time, and that I have the time to wait. I have never felt this feeling, this feeling of contentment, but I realized it today when talking to an old friend I had spoken to in over six years, how much has happened, and I am still hear, how much time has passed, how much has changed and I saw progress, I saw strength, I saw courage and I smiled because I even saw a sparkle of confidence. I am doing it, and its real.