Confessions
I have a confession to make. I haven’t been making art. I finished up one maybe two pieces this year, stuff I had started last year, I have dabbled in my moleskin, made a thank you card here and there, but I haven’t made art for any extended time period or in any routine. I feel terrible, not only am I an advocate of art everyday, but I call myself an artist, and the most artistic thing I have done is taken a handful of photographs on some recent trips. I feel a bit like a fraud right now. It isn’t that I don’t want to be making art, but when I do find a handful of minuets I am so exhausted nothing comes, or financially I can’t afford the materials to make the art. I have lots of ideas floating around in my mind bumping into each other, but that’s where they stay nothing is coming out. Honestly I am a little scared, will what little skill I have dry up and go away? Like a muscle after months in a cast it atrophies, completely useless. I haven’t wanted to write about this, because I look at all the creativity out there I feel like this can’t possibly happen to anyone else, but in writing this notebook I have committed to being honest about where I am right now and this is where I found myself, scared shitless that I might not be an artist after all, that I might just be a fraud.
I have found every crevice of my day filled up, and my inspiration is in my head only, it seems stuck like it won’t come out, so when I do sit down and try to create I end up with a bunch of failed attempts, crap, nothing that could add to any one of my bodies of work. I don’t know if this is just a phase that I am passing through. That after several rejection letters from galleries I have lost steam, that I am not excited about my work right now but will be again in the future. Or, if this is just the new me, not an artist, but a wanna be. I spend my days at work in front of a computer, answering phones, imputing numbers, responding to requests. I get home eat dinner, try to spend two seconds with my husband, play with the dog, do my school work usually severally posts and many pages of reading. Then I crash into bed to watch a moment of television before my eyes close and I fall into a restless sleep. Oh and I also try to work out occasionally, (I just found yoga podcasts online at the yogajounral which are pretty cool), pack a lunch for the next day, help around the house when absolutely necessary etc.
So this weekend I listen to Jillian Michaels on her radio show (catching up with podcasts) while I am finishing a website design, and I just get depressed. How is it humanely possible to do it all? To eat all organic, not eat anything but grass fed beef, organic chicken, line caught low mercury fish (I don’t even eat any fish don’t like it all that much), then of course there is the ethics of this meet, and then all your rice, bread, veggies, fruit, snacks should organic too. Here where I am in Arizona seems to be the only spot in the state that doesn’t have a plethora of fresh organic food and great natural health food stores. I am limited to Trader Joes (which packages everything in plastic, didn’t they get the memo on that?) or Sprouts (which is a poor excuse at a natural food store with high prices and a smaller organic section then Trader Joes when it comes to fruit and veggies). Now throw working out into this, beauty products, cleaners, detergents etc…And you have what I would call a living nightmare. In part because I know that what she is saying is right that all the avoidance of this “bad” stuff is really important, but what about the air I am breathing, it isn’t too clean either. So what do you do? Run away up to some tiny village where you live off the land and have to be independently wealthy because otherwise you can’t afford to live there because there are no jobs, and with out a full time job no healthcare for those of us stuck with a wonderful pre-existing condition and the screwed up medical system of America?. What the hell are we supposed to do? How can we do it all? Make a living, do what we love, have time to give back, have a loving relationship, beautiful health home…
I certainly don’t know how to do it. How do you do it all? Or what do you decide to do or not to do? How do you make the tough choices? How do you make time for the stuff that feeds your soul, does that stuff ever change?
You are not a fraud. Art is process. Right now, in spite of not PRODUCING anything, your mind and heart are creating latent images and ideas that will later come to the surface. This is a thing I believe.
And also this from Elizabeth Gilbert (speaking at TED): “Don’t be afraid. Dont be daunted. Just do your job. Continue to show for your job. If your job is to dance, do your dance. If the divine cockeyed genius assigned to your case decides to let some kind of wonderment be glimpsed for just one moment through your efforts, then ole. And if not, then ole to you nonetheless. Ole to you for having the sheer human love and stubbornness to keep showing up.”
I agree, you are not a fraud. (Take a look in the dictionary – it is a criminal act!) Growing up on a farm, once there was a drought for three years. Every summer the grass became browner, tree leaves shriveled, our garden struggled and seeds didnt sprout, and our family made every effort to conserve water. Every drop was used carefully so our well wouldnt stop altogether. Heat waves danced on the horizon.Lightening caused a small fire. Hay fields yielded one cutting and that was all. Somehow we managed, summer after summer. Finally, one day it rained. A long refreshing rain which re-established a more ‘normal’ weather pattern. Everything: leaves, soil, trees, grass, animals, people – everything sighed collectively with relief and gratitude.
Sometimes as human beings, we experience a period of drought. We sense our essence in seed form which (for a time) doesnt seem able to find sustenance to grow and thrive. Then we can learn to be patient, sometimes for years, until life shifts and different opportunities arise. “Discontent is the first necessity of progress.” said Thomas Edison – and he tried many, many times to invent a lightbulb that worked. He kept on working hard, seeing his failures simply as inventions that didnt work, not as personal self-esteem roadblocks!
Dear Elayna,
I will say this in all truth. In part I want you to be offended for the sake of realization. Sounds bad I know. But here is the take. I have only been briefly reacquainted with you for a few hours now and you invited me to view your art work. Art work I only had a small glimpse of on your Facebook account. You then send me here to your website to see more of it. I truly find what you have done absolutely amazing! I have never seen any one mix these visuals they way you have. I find it incredibly inspiring to me to see your world shaped into the art you have created. I believe I called it “beautifully refined chaos”. That was my first interpretation. Some where on this site I noticed you saying you wanted we the viewers to look deep into your art and to find the layers. I am enjoying this journey through your opened world of art because that’s what you are to me and presented yourself as. What I find offensive is to get to the final page and find this? I wasn’t sure if I should say anything at all. But you said you wanted to be honest on this page so I will be an honest viewer back. Part of me wants to say you should feel ashamed of yourself for using the word “Fraud” with some sense of ownership. after taking me to see your art. It would be as if you said “look at all my cool art, don’t I suck?. The more I think about it the more offended I get! But then I think to myself, how many times have I done this to myself? Even tho I don’t deserve to have every one tell me what a great job I have , or am doing, it’s just nice to hear now and then. Maybe if only just for the sake of reassurance. Do feel reassured! But don’t expect me not to be a little offended that some one with your talent needs prodding. All this just to say I think your work speaks for your life. Your life must be blessed in an unimaginable way. your life can’t be contained by your work and your work can’t be contained by the world that surrounds your life. You truly, truly are color!