I have been slowly trying to reorganize things, cut down on some commitments as I gear up for school to start in a couple weeks. I want to have time do my best and really be present, while not over doing it. Yet as I go through this process I am immediately hit with the idea that school and work alone are not enough, that somehow by cutting things down to just that I am not being accomplished enough, that I may even be being lazy. Sure I know life will fill in any cracks of free time, its not that I will even have free time, but I keep getting this feeling that I am never doing enough. That I am not making a real difference, doing enough good, and so I add things on, more and more until I have to much and I feel crushed under the weight and end up disappointing someone or everyone. How can I get over the idea that going out with friends, have a few hours left in the day to curl up and watch a movie or just cuddle with my husband is good enough and that life can just be empty sometimes.

I read a recent piece in the magazine Real Simple about multi-tasking how this guy did an experiment on doing only one task at a time. The article fascinated me in part because of my chronic multi tasking state. I eat breakfast while checking my e-mail and talking to my mother-in-law. In away multi tasking is a very sad thing, it means no one thing gets your full attention. When I was in Vermont visiting my family I had the wondrous experience of not having to worry, not checking my e-mail, of having a conversation and just that. The best moment I can remember was with my little nephew who is just 6 months old he had been fussing and my mom had taken him outside, my sister (his mom) and husband where going on a run and my mom and husband talked while I lay on a quilt in the grass with this little chunk of sweetness. He pulled up grass and I tickled him with a weed, and hummed softly. We stared at the blue sky and wiggled to the music in our heads. It was wonderful I was just there present and happy. I want to have more moments like this in life. Yet at the same time I continue to have these feelings of inadequacy, I think a lot this comes from not being patient enough, that I want to live my whole life in a day, in a week, in a month. That I have a complete inability to look at what I do over a period of extensive time. I am not patient to see that I can make a difference over a long term, and I have trouble acknowledge that my work in my job is enough, and that on top of this I have added school. I know I need to cut things back so that I can do better a job so I don’t get burnt out and sick this fall and winter, yet I trouble wholly in the efforts to do this. Things can wait, the class I want to teach online can wait, the non-profit I volunteer at will manage without me or with less of me. I don’t need to control everything. I can let life unfold and work on being graceful as it changes around me, and I can be gentle with myself, when I don’t behave the way I want to, or say the words I want or do the best, I can forgive myself. I know I can do this but its hard, and it doesn’t feel like its important enough work, yet some part of me knows this is the most important work I can be doing right now. That a better job, art shows, connections, book writing, a new home of my own, exciting projects etc…will come in time, but that right now I need to become a better person, kinder, softer, more centered so that when these things do come I can embrace them and excel. Do you have any suggestions for me? How do you manage?