Elayna Alexandra

When your sorrows run deep,
Sit below a tree and water it with your tears.
Make streams that follow the curves of the earth to the sea.
When your heart gets cold,
Look at the richness of the earth and be softened.
Plant a seed and watch it grow reaching towards the sun.
When traveling gets hard,
Look  back from where you [...]

I have started writing many times, composed posts in my head and then never put them down in words. I have been working on assimilating the changes, processing slowly pieces of my days, of the past few years. So much has been happening. I am left without words. When you don’t think you can do more, [...]

Week 4 in my class.
153 days left to go.
It is passing.
Knowledge accumulating.
Potential stagnating.
Is hope actually a crutch to taking no action, as Jenson believes?
Or is that for me hope combats fear so it allows for action?
Or is none of this true?
What about patience?
Something I hate, but sometimes you have to wait to take action because the [...]

Strange how the world stops so easily.
How your heart tightens.
How you loose hope.
And then with a quick flash it is back.
Blinking on and off confidence comes in quickly.
Growing hope,
And then with another flash it is gone.
How can we learn to slow this down.
To find faith inside us deep.
Resilience.
How can we learn to live in grace?

Grief it swells in you.
Inflating your chest, your limbs.
Your mind goes numb.
Everything you see, barely registers.
Its like you are floating.
But not in the happy way the clouds float up high in the sky.
The lump forms in the back of your throat.
It’s hard to swallow.
Eyes rimmed red.
Lips stained red.
A sickness fills your stomach
Emptiness fills inside of [...]

I want to write something  really great and wonderful. Something to credit the greatness of my darling dog. Something to help the pain, my grief, but I can’t. The only thing I can write is yesterday days start to finish was unexpected to go from normal morning routine, to assisting my dog in her end [...]

The light is changing now.
Birds fly in Vs across the sky some land here to stay, for some its warm enough, far enough south.
Others will only stop over and in the coming days continue on to still warmer air.
The Sun slants in a golden glow.
It raises later, sets earlier.
Clouds pile up at the horizon rising [...]

I am filled with longing inside. Deep pain that runs through my core, this always happens when DH has a migraine, when the day turns in on itself, collapsing before it really ever started. It is another Sunday. The last day before another stressful and busy week defined by have to’s instead of want to’s. [...]

And I go to dig down, to find something and there is nothing there.
Total blankness.
All I want to do is take off these suit pants and crawl back into the warm sheets, soft comforter.
To reach out and feel the warmth of my husband.
Tangle our limbs together and drift back into sleep.
Everything is a just a [...]

Rain came to the desert last night.
The moisture hangs in the air.
You want to suck it in, never to forget the smell of damp earth.
The clouds still hover low in light lavender and deep purples.
And then the sun breaks through.
Brilliant gold with shafts of rose.
These are mornings to long for.

Cool fingers reaching in.
Instilling wonder and question to the mind.
Are you sure,
Can you really?
Do you want to,
Will you be able?
Like a sink hole doubt pulls you in.
Deeper and deeper.
Can you climb out?
Or has doubt latched on as a parasite to your brain?

Things that need replacing.
The bra that broke this morning.
The black and light gray suit that hangs with excess fabric from my now smaller frame.
The broken toilet.
The curtains in our bedroom.
The screen door and the the windows too.
My black leather shoes, because the stitches have given up their hold.
The pen that lies here out of ink.
The dogs bowl.
The [...]

Grateful that your whole life is not judged on one day but rather the expanse of your existence. That your value and good is not what you do in an hour or a day but rather in many, many hours and days. That it is not the snapshot of life, but rather the collage of [...]

Words sprinkle across the page.
Patterns, lines, shapes.
Shouldn’t they be doing more then making pretty patterns?
Rather, forming sentences, structure, making some point.
No, they flick and flutter, click and clack.
Tumbling upon one another, pushing, shoving.
Each letter and word wanting to be upfront.
But, see if you would all just orderly line up,
behave,
then together you would make a point.
Maybe [...]

Every time I think I have settled down. As soon I begin to focus on a “normal” life with a regular job that would make a good paycheck, would help me save in a 401k, would be not world or life changing but still good work, I start to feel whispers. Whispers of doubt that [...]

Up early, sun barely stretching over trees.
Warm water rolls down my back. 
My pants don’t fit right. 
The house is quiet, all to myself. 
Everyone else sleeps. 
Birds chirping insesently
Dull hum of air conditioners? 
These are my mornings short moments of time,
stitched together like a poorly made patchwork quilt. 
This morning is slow, and I so grateful for that.