This weekend in the never-ending state of unpacking and organizing I found a box of my old journals, mostly from my last couple years in high school. Many of the entries had me dieing laughing, the way I jumped from one love affliction to the next, the way I wrote, what was important. Then I happened upon a page written in 1998, things I needed to improve on and how I wanted to be different. The scary thing was so many of these things, were the same things I am struggling with now: how to be more confident, how to believe in myself, not care what others think, how to be kinder, gentler. 11 years later and I haven’t managed to conquer any of these qualities, at least not entirely. How long will these things follow me? When will I evolve into that illusive person I so desire to be? At the same time reading these snippets of my past self I found insight into who I wanted to be, repeatedly I said I wanted to write, something that while I want to do know I did not remember I have wanted to write for so long.

The loss of my dog spun me in to depression that I really hadn’t felt for a couple years now. Filling me with a deep bottomless sadness, a feeling of loss, and no motivation to move forward. I feel that I have lost a bit of focus: letting rejection letters take me down, letting life just fill in with out making a purpose or goal for my days. I know I need to bring back small goals, baby steps. With the end of year looming and the finish line for school also fast approaching I feel its time to get things back in to focus. I want to find my creative, artistic voice again. I want to make, produce, and market art again. One of the things that has held me back so much this past year is the cost of it, the cost to produce but most of all the cost of a show, (framing and shipping) has been too huge of a burden for us right now. In fact I had been accepted to be a part of really neat group show this fall in Los Angeles but ended up backing out because I needed to pay for shipping to and from and just couldn’t swing it. Really nothing has gotten better in that respect so I may still be limited as to what I am able to do, but I hope that I can find a couple interesting shows to participate in next year that don’t end up costing a fortune, a place to get published maybe, a couple art sales (fingers crossed), maybe something unexpected.

Another thing lodged deeply in the back of my mind is the goal I set for myself to find new and more challenging work when I graduated or before. Now with the challenging economy and job market I am not sure how this search will turn out, yet I know that I must be able to find more challenging work that better fits my skills. There has to be a place that wants to allow me to put my passion, creativity and experience to use. Putting myself out there again, is scary. I have grown secure in my job, its ups and downs, and its challenges. However, now is the time to embrace my learning and seek out something new. I know if I am persistent, in time I will find and secure the right position.

Hopefully this week off from school will be all I need to get some perspective, begin to refocus and challenge myself again. To move away from these strong feelings of despair and fear that seem to hold me right now.

I am delving deeper into photography exploring more things I can do with it, pushing myself to stretch. I am also thinking about my writing more. With all the papers I have written for school I wonder about academic publication, I wonder about other publication. I want to do more and am also thinking about teaching again. I can feel the Fall forces gathering energy to store throughout Winter and I can feel myself verging on something more as well.