Edge
Life has been turned up on its side. From this angle everything looks different. I feel uneasy and also excited at the same time. It seems like the fast forward and spin cycle have been pushed down and engaged and now they are stuck on full. I can’t get them to come up, to stop, to slow down. Graduate school is almost over and I will again have evenings and weekends, jobs may soon transition, the landscape may even change and I am thrilled, excited and completely terrified. I can feel my heart beat faster, my breath catch in my chest, and then I remember I need to let my air out, and I do in a long and measured out breath.
This is the time when dreams are made, when life changes color. When everything is all mixed and shaken you don’t know how it will settle back down but you know it will look different no matter what.
Outside the sky hangs in white gray, they predict rain again and more snow in the northern regions. My mind can not concentrate. It leaps from one thing to the next like it is playing leap frog with itself. I wonder when this will quite down again. When life will level out and I don’t need to try to balance on its edge. A couple months? Or will it be longer? I keep settling on one idea longer then the others: the need to recharge, to rest, to inspire, to feed, to heal. I wonder how to do this. How to make space, how to allow myself time, I wonder if I will be even capable of learning to relax. After almost two years of a hectic schedule, the idea of it coming to the end and not having 20 hours of studies on top of my fulltime job, I wonder if I will immediately fill this space with something else demanding, or actually take the time. Allow myself to bake, cook, make art and feel that it is enough. That weekends don’t need to be a list of accomplishments. Even as I write I can feel my mind saying, “What?! weekends don’t need to be a list of accomplishments?! Then what, what will you do?! Will you really become lazy and waste them?! You are going to sleep in again aren’t you!? Oh my gosh this will be terrible, quick, I need to find something to fill them, before it is to late and you are worthless.” No! I refuse, I want to slowly catch up on all those things I have been meaning to do, 2005, 2006 and 209 Blurb books. Re-reading my journals and taking notes for an eventual book. Making art. Taking pictures. Enjoying long walks with my husband. Yoga again I hope too…There are so many wonderful things to do. But my mind can’t help but ask, “Are they things worthwhile, or are you just wasting your life.” I certainly hope that I can get rid of that nasty talking mind and replace it with something more supportive, more positive. I hope that I can learn that life is just that, it doesn’t need to be filled every second with something that is noteworthy, sometimes cleaning the house and folding laundry is more then enough.
I am currently adjusting to not being pulled in a million directions…..I must admit it’s a difficult process to become comfortable with and most importantly it takes time to let go, ignore the lingering ‘pull’ that still tempts me to feel guilty about taking time to just ‘be’, whether it’s in the kitchen or lost in a good book! Wishing you all the best in all you do, your an inspiration!