It is funny how you can build things up in your mind. How fear can find itself lodging there created by a few too many google searches, and before you know it you have worst-case scenario on your mind, a tight knot in your stomach. The relief that gripped me when I hear the words that the MRI is clean, no tumors was immense, and then I feel silly how could I have even entertained this idea?

At the same time DH’s pain is not gone we have a few things to try and I am thankful for hope, yet I wonder if a slight vitamin D deficiency is really the cause of the two week plus migraine. His pain seems infinite and boundless; it decreases slightly and then pulls back gripping him tightly like it will never let go. This pain, this worry; in the middle of packing, organizing a move, planning out a new apartment, wondering what it will really be like.

Yesterday we snatch a couple minutes to ourselves at the Japanese gardens, dreaming of eventually landscape a yard we don’t have yet, like it. We watch the fish swim slowly through the green water, and the waterfalls cascading down into the pool. This is something we agree on, this is something we both love and I cling to the moment. We sit side-by-side leaning into each other on a rock overhanging the pool and there is love, thick and strong holding us together.

I think about this life that we have built for ourselves. A few more months and it will be nine years of marriage. I think about the moments that I wanted to give up and run away replacing men for boy dogs and live alone, and I think about the moments of love that were so strong they left me stunned. This bond, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health has been tested time and time again and instead of breaking it has grown stronger.