I have exciting news to share! I am going to be offering a limited run of hand painted original Castle of Dreams paintings through Wish Studio Trunk show. The website is coming soon!  These paintings, will only be available through this Trunk Show, they measure 5”x7.5” and are hand painted, so they may vary slightly, they are all watercolor and pen.  If you have seen this painting of mine before now is your chance because it will never be available exactly like this again! Not only are they only available through the Trunk Show they are priced at a special Trunk Show price $30.00 each. This price includes original painting hand signed and numbered on the back of it, and wrapped in a protective package. In the United States this price also includes priority mail, worldwide shipping will be parcel post and an additional $5 will be charged. This is a fabulous deal to own a piece of an original artwork, what better way to celebrate your dreams?

This trunk show is part of an amazing art retreat that will be held at the end of April. I am delighted to be able to participate in this workshop and its due in part to the generous grant from West Valley Arts. This weekend I will be going to rather elaborate Diamond Ball put on by the West Valley Arts Council where I will be recognized and be give the first half of my grant! I am so excited about this incredible opportunity, and hope that is just the start of many more wonderful opportunities.

I am embarking on a new trip, not a physical trip but rather a personal set of goals to focus on myself as an artist, to expand my portfolios and to hopefully in the process gain gallery representation, and illustration work. I have given myself a broad goal of being able to make a substantial livable income from my art in I choose to do it full time within 2yrs. I am taking the first steps for this by doing research.

There is an insane amount of talent out there. I have spent the day going from one illustrator’s/artist’s site to another, lost in virtual reality of skill, hoping all of the world, Japan, Australia, France, Canada, USA and so many more places. Unique, different, strange, beautiful it seems that there is nothing left untried, unused.

During this exploration I have discovered a few things about illustration, is it seems most people either work entirely digitally, or they sketch and scan to Photoshop and then color digitally. It seems very few illustrators work 100% in traditional mediums, but a few do. One advantage of digital is that it can be easily and quickly corrected with small changes that a client wants, another advantage is that the color will be correct (more then likely) for traditional printing.

My conclusion is that I do need to learn more about Photoshop, some of the tricks etc…and practice with coloring digital, perhaps also learn Illustrator. Another conclusion I have made is that I still love working in traditional mediums, doing my x-ray work I work primarily digitally though of course I am working with photography and scanned items putting it all together, in that process I sometimes forget how much I love the slop of paint, the mess, the layers. But working digitally also has its advantages and I plan to do some more exploring with this technique, in the process I am hoping that I will discover some new tools for my x-ray work as well. Since I have some new plans for some of that style along with expanding my illustration portfolio. There is a lot more research to do. A huge amount of work to accomplish in a very short period of time, particularly since for the next 7-8 months I am still in school completing my MBA. I have done a ton of new drawings that I am scanning and updating so take a look at my illustration tab to see what I have been up to.

One of my next steps is to look for a mentor in the art world some that can give me good criticisms, yet still support and encourage. Someone that is willing to share the things they have learned, and push me to grow and expand my style. I am not sure how to go about this besides to write a lot of people I admire and hope one takes pity on me and agrees to mentor me. So the word is out officially, I am looking for an illustration/art mentor. I am scared but I said it so here we go off on the search. Do you think I will succeed?

I dream of great big things. I have amazing goals and aspirations, things so far from reach. I want to do wonderful things, good things, make a difference, be a superstar. And then I have reality. Bills, and pay that never is enough to stretch and meet the demands of our budget. There is so much to do: Financial Management homework, dinner to make, groceries to buy, laundry to fold, and of course the day job to attend 8 plus hours every day, vacation to use up on volunteer work, silly miscommunications over things that in the end don’t matter, my heart gets tied up in things and then its broken. I put too much passion into life and then I wake up hurt, and heartsick. I feel empty ready to give up, ready to throw in the towel, to say I am done trying to do good. Maybe I should just be a number, bland, do my allotted job with out an opinion without the desire to better, make good. Maybe I try to hard, over think, long for more, strive too hard. Maybe I need to be just content and satisfied with what is. But I am not. I have big dreams, huge goals, aspirations, and most of all I have PASSION spilling out of me.

Sometimes it is difficult to put the shards of life into words. Part of me wants a tumbler to be able to take those shards and tumble them until they are smooth and rounded like sea-glass.

There is the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” and I have always tried to do that with all that has been flung my way over the years. However sometimes it is hard, you get your lemonade mix just right and then wham! There is another bucket of lemons you are supposed to add into the lemonade, and it becomes sour again. I feel like I am running out of sugar. I take a step forward and find hope, I cling to it and then smack my cord of hope is cut and I am crashing to the ground. I have to pick myself up and dust off and go out looking again for a new glimmer of hope. Like a crow I keep looking for something beautiful and sparkly to bring back to my nest to store. Yet it seems to all be unraveling right now.

Yoga was this morning, it was a full class with lots of newbies, which means the teacher goes over the basics, and I was fine with it feeling tight from the week, I needed a simpler practice. I enjoyed focusing on my movements and breath and not worrying about things too much. Then at the end in Suvasana, when my body was still and my muscles relaxed tears came pouring out of my eyes like unexpected waterfalls and I just couldn’t stop. I ended my practice with red eyes sobbing and I am not even sure why, I just know I am too tight and I have too much on my shoulders. I have a real longing to find something knew and inspiring to do, and absolute fear that I have lost my chances before they were even real. FEAR has invaded my mind and body leaving nights sleepless with my mind spinning.

Sometimes you are driven to write, when you don’t have time and you should be calculating Present Value and other such math things. It is those times when there is nothing left in you, when you are emotions are raw, when everyone needs something and you don’t have much more to give that you need to just allow yourself to do, to write, to paint, to chat and not try to control and conform those minuets of your day. I didn’t write yesterday on gratitude because some how I couldn’t pull anything authentic from my mind. Yesterday made exactly seven years since my father passed away and everything I thought about being grateful for, felt over shadowed by the whole he has left in my life.

Many times throughout the years I have found myself searching for that father figure. In fact it was again today when writing an e-mail to my former doctor, the one that with his craft and skill was able to heal my leg, that I asked advice and mentioned that it was in part because I didn’t have my father to discuss my x-rays with. It was strange when I turned eighteen to take over care of this leg of mine and to have my decisions be the ones made and have to live with those. It has been at times frightening and I know I haven’t always made the best ones. Now I am wondering if I should have these loose screws removed. Its something ever so small yet somehow deep down I feel there is something else brewing. Or is it just me, being worried about something that won’t ever even develop? I know I have done it before. Questions, with out answers.

I feel scattered and shattered. One math class has come to a close and after doubting myself and struggling the first two weeks I pulled my act together and received a 97%. Already though tonight started a new class, and also a workshop in transferable skills that I am taking. Then I have lesson plans to make, some up coming classes to teach, and a lot of other responsibilities for my new volunteer position. I feel pushed and pulled and fragmented until I feel like I am an exploded glass, shards, sharp and cutting. There isn’t anything left, no one to turn to. My husband is in a dark room for the third day in a row with a migraine that pulls his head apart in pain, leaves his eyes slightly pick rimmed his cheeks pail and his eyes bloodshot.

Present Value you will be calculated. Workout you will be completed and sleep eventually you will also come.

I am a little late for my friday find! However I actually wrote this post a few days ago. So here is a little bit about what I am thinking. I signed up for TUTs a while back when the amazing Penelope talked about it. I really just did it for fun, I thought what the heck, right, it can’t hurt. I did it with my work e-mail account and I am so glad I did. Each morning among the pile of other e-mails and the crap of the morning I get to read something inspiring that is focused on just me! Signing up for this was just another step in reconnecting with my spiritual self and my beliefs. After my father died I lost a lot of spiritual connection because he had always been the guide post for this. Yoga was my first step, while not religious, yoga allows me the space for my thoughts to become breath in and out and it changes you and opens you to the world in a different way. I have also been playing around with positive affirmations and prayer. Some of the messages from TUTs are more touching then others and this mornings was one that was just perfect. Feeling totally discourage and out of sync, everything was spiraling in the wrong direction, and then I read this:

 Ask, Elayna. Ask for whatever you want.

 Ask for help. Ask for clarity. Ask for insight.

 We’re always there. You’re always answered. 10,000 Strong to do your will.

 OK?  – The Universe

 I should add that I don’t just read these quickly, I really read them deeply, pausing trying to believe and trust. Reading about the writer of these is inspiring as well!  

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Tough times are coming to so many those that are close to me, and those that I don’t know, and these times make me think a lot. I think a lot about what we need to live and I think about worst case scenarios, not it the doomsday sort of way but: the what if, what would I do, sort of way. I was reading Body and Soul magazine and they talked about your financial fire escape plan. It was an interesting article and corresponds well with what I do. I know how to get through hard times because I have, and am, and I am sure it may happen again. However, I also want to learn to go through difficult times more gracefully. I know how to cut back to the minimal expenses, to hunker down and make things work. That isn’t to say I don’t enjoy extravagances and that I don’t save for big purchases because I do and because of that I own some nice things. However the last few years have taught me in yet another way to appreciate things in a different way and to know very deeply that the only thing that really matters is the earth, and the living things on it. The rest: cell phones, cameras, computers, paint, fancy china, fluffily towels, Egyptian cotton sheets, silk dresses, leather shoes…these things are nice but that’s all, they aren’t needed to live. Life takes a tremendous about of trust, trust in, The Universe. Its not that I believe I have no influence on my life or no responsibility because I don’t not for a minute, but I also have a huge amount of trust in the web of The Universe and I believe that this web is here to help… Sometimes this belief falters, falters a lot sometimes particularly when it comes to belief in myself, but deep down inside of me it exists and I think that these little gestures I am taking towards recognition of my spiritual self is my attempt at allowing that belief to grow. And I hope that with a stronger belief in myself, those around me and The Universe I will be able to continue to tackle tough times and do it more gracefully each day.

"links" watercolor 2009

Life is connected. We are all connected. Series of events makes up life. These events may seem unrelated and individual, but mostly they are connected. Sometimes we don’t understand the connection or reason for them at the time that they happen, sometimes never, other times it is revealed to us. It is said that when one door closes another opens, and I hope that this is true. For one door that I have spent nearly a year and half on trying to achieve today suddenly closed. Surprisingly is more the rejection then lack of opportunity that I find disheartening. The knowledge that I am not wanted, my talent not recognized, or that it is inferior to someone else’s. Or maybe it all came down to the money. In many ways I feel relieved that I don’t have to make that commitment. Now I will have time for other things to come in the door, and I have hopes of these other things coming in soon.

I remember hearing from someone, maybe it was my father or mother, that all people come into our lives for a reason. I have been holding this idea in my mind, turning it, examining it. Thinking about all the new (and old) people in my life and wondering. Taking Yoga has brought me slowly into more connection with myself, but also has made me think about our connections and links to others. The expression “it’s a small world” interchanged thousands of times between strangers who have found some connection, is in many ways right. Except it is, in this respect, much smaller then any of us may think. We have much more in common, many more connections and links then we can imagine and many times more then we find out. These links between us humans lie as invisible chains linking one human to the next and all through each other, yet we are all separate, individual and unique too. Events are much the same way, connected yet different and separate. Sometimes taking the time to think about these connections can bring some amount of clarity to this often chaotic and confusing world.