I feel a bit like time has stopped since sometime last week. Instead of moving with the rest of the world I feel like I am on a different track of time. I can hear the cars and trucks go by and they seem distant and far away, the hustle and bustle of the world outside seems odd and disjointed to my quiet little two-bedroom apartment we just moved into. I can see a Ponderosa from the studio window. My husband and I share the space, his deep wood Asian style desk on one wall my sage green old school house desk on another. It is a cozy space that I can see we will spend hours in together working on various projects. For now it is still a puzzles of boxes. Our whole apartment is a myriad of unfinished projects, piles of books, bags and shoes strewn around waiting still for homes to be assigned. It is coming along though, this little space of ours, box by box we are putting things in their place. Slowly it resembles a home, a little square of space that is ours, at least for now and I am grateful for this space.

Life really is better when you don’t have expectations. I am grateful for amazing friendships, great food, cool art, a body that works most of the time (mostly). Finding joy in smaller things. Finding out that living in the NOW, living in the present really can be pretty good, the future and present means less when you can really be in the moment.

It is funny how you can build things up in your mind. How fear can find itself lodging there created by a few too many google searches, and before you know it you have worst-case scenario on your mind, a tight knot in your stomach. The relief that gripped me when I hear the words that the MRI is clean, no tumors was immense, and then I feel silly how could I have even entertained this idea?

At the same time DH’s pain is not gone we have a few things to try and I am thankful for hope, yet I wonder if a slight vitamin D deficiency is really the cause of the two week plus migraine. His pain seems infinite and boundless; it decreases slightly and then pulls back gripping him tightly like it will never let go. This pain, this worry; in the middle of packing, organizing a move, planning out a new apartment, wondering what it will really be like.

Yesterday we snatch a couple minutes to ourselves at the Japanese gardens, dreaming of eventually landscape a yard we don’t have yet, like it. We watch the fish swim slowly through the green water, and the waterfalls cascading down into the pool. This is something we agree on, this is something we both love and I cling to the moment. We sit side-by-side leaning into each other on a rock overhanging the pool and there is love, thick and strong holding us together.

I think about this life that we have built for ourselves. A few more months and it will be nine years of marriage. I think about the moments that I wanted to give up and run away replacing men for boy dogs and live alone, and I think about the moments of love that were so strong they left me stunned. This bond, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health has been tested time and time again and instead of breaking it has grown stronger.

Like any adventure that you are about to set out on I am bursting with hope of starting a new. Like the New Year, I am full of resolutions, goals and dreams, grasping this opportunity to take life by the horns and own it, like I never have before. This is it, this is that once in a lifetime opportunity that not everyone gets, it is knocking and while I am terrified I am saying yes, yes to everything this means for me and my husband right NOW.

**I have never lived in snow, or an appartment.**

** also wanting to share this with you

I walked with my camera today. I found it interesting how my photos reflected so much of my life. The sky bright and full of promise the ground cracked and worn. The bud of new life, and the forgotten, rotten and dried fruit. Interesting how life is always an expansion and contraction seemingly to happen almost simultaneously. I am working on letting go, letting go of preconceived notions, of longing, desire, letting go control and trying to trust more in life’s natural unfolding.

I finished another class turned in the nearly 30 page paper, I am happy to see this class be done and will be doing a very big happy dance when in six short weeks I am done with school! Life is changing and I am working on being open to its change to be gentler with others and also myself.

I also have been paying attention to really enjoying the smaller things in life. Yesterday I treated myself to latte and a muffin for breakfast, I perused local estate sales and a thrift shop. I just took time to myself to be away from the demands of school and life. It was quiet, maybe even a bit lonely but very rewarding. I enjoyed a hot shower with burning hot heat turning my back red, and it was wonderful. I was grateful for the clean water, the heat, the lovely soap and shampoo, life is truly gifted.

On other notes I have been adopting another phrase for this year, “NO FEAR”  read about it over here.

Today a rainbow stretched high into the sky in a great big arch. Then another came arching even higher. Today I shared time with a friend, laughter, a hug. It was good. Today I hold happiness in my fearful heart. Today I watched the rainbow grow and then fade and saw the word in a beautiful glow. It was just another day, but it was also beautiful.