I wake up in the morning and don’t recognize my life, my feelings myself. It is all a bit alien, the rhythm of my days so changed, the feelings of the nights. The openness and possibility of what could be is more vast then every before and totally frightening to the point where I fear inaction.

I am having to look at myself in a way I never have. Face myself and all the imperfections that lie there and also to embrace the strength and resourcefulness. It is time for me to see who I am the way many others do. Life is beautiful. Peace.

I am enough, I have to be. Just me, the way I am Today.

How do you refill you cup when it is both impossibly full and totally empty?

I think that I am grasping photography on a different level. For me now its not about the best image but rather the feeling I can create, the story I can tell. The reflection caught in a moment in the window, the expression frozen for a moment in time to keep. The angle, the light, it is all part of it, and perfection in this isn’t always what I am going for. Sometimes darkness is part of the message I wish to tell, or the slightly overexposed white washed photo, creates just the feeling that I am hoping for. It is the IMPERFECT photography that is often just what I want, just what I find absolutely tantalizing.

Noise, before moving hear noise didn’t really mean that much to me. Growing up I lived on almost 6 acres in the country and the traffic noise was a distant muffled hum, quiet at night and often throughout the day even. Living in Oregon we were miles from any really busy road. We had the usual neighborhood noises, leaf blowers at 7am on Sunday mornings, dogs barking sometimes insistently as they were neglected, being left outside for hours and hours on end, while their owners were at work, or sat inside watching television. In Phoenix we lived with my in-laws in a retirement community, the silence at night was almost impenetrable. Well I guess you had the crickets in the summer, and sometimes the howl of the coyotes, but they were natural sounds and they were no nonstop. During the day it was pretty quiet too, the occasional motorcycle, or siren but all and all noise didn’t permeate you. The heat did, but that is another post all together.

In the past I have always considered myself great at tuning out noise. I grew up with two older sisters who had later bed times then me, I slept in hospitals, I was good in stores that had crashing music, I just tuned out, it didn’t even cross my consciousness.

Now it is different. We didn’t believe for a moment that this country road would be some main artery when we moved in to our apartment almost 6months ago. That all day, all night, cars would rush by, and that their noise would enter every corner of tour home. The struggle between fresh air and more noise is constant. Even with the windows closed tight though we don’t win. The noise finds its way in. So loud that when DH talks to me from somewhere else in our little 800sq feet  home I can’t hear his words unless he shares the same room as me.

Briefly between cars there are moments of silence, delicious emptiness where my ears can rest from the constant whir that fills them. But mostly there is noise. Noise day and night. I want silence. Never before living here did I realize the power of quiet, the bodies need for time without noise, or my own very deep need for time in silence. How the constant noise wears on my nerves leaving me just a bit more on edge, just a bit shorter with my temper and a little more worn down the around the edges then normal.

So. I am looking for ways to create inner silence, inner quiet to help counteract the outside noise. Any other suggestions?

I am stumbling for words for a press releases, for a new website, for hope, for future. It seems like everything is here today, but in a neat order, I feel the potential of progress today, and it makes my heart sing. Yet at the same time my heart is heavy, with those I love who are seeing a darker day, and with the pain of the world. How is it possible to have these worlds come together? How can there be so much to hold?

I want to be better about putting words down to paper, about pairing them with creative energy, photos, drawings, and collage. I want so much for today, and for tomorrow…I want the year to be something, I want to be something, and then I feel humble, small. Like nothing I ever can do will be enough, even on the edge of all these things that could be BIG, it never seems to be enough. So much remains undone, the day does not have enough hours, the only thing I have are: priorities, moments, steps.

I feel excited about the space I have to do things, just for doing things sake and not because I have to. The thought of “wasting” a day in PJ’s baking, and watching movies is becoming appealing and even ok. I feel more open to what else could come my way with just life, with workshops, friends, reading and doing on a day to day level rather then on a huge grand scheme level. I like the idea of spending some time with myself, getting to know who that is on a different level.

I like the idea of learning to relax, to putting a higher priority on snuggles in bed on a weekend morning. I like the idea of just allowing life to be, not complicated, not huge just what it is. I have spent a lot of energy getting to places in my life, propelling myself forward and part of me is feeling that right now, I need to just calm down, to realize I don’t need to be the best, the fastest or the smartest, because the fact is I will NEVER be these things. Learning instead to be GRACEFUL and CONTENT, those are high on my list these days.

Is it perhaps the pause when we really live? The moment between the in and out breath when we really learn what breathing is? Is it in the moment of silence in conversation when real meaning and understanding are conveyed? What does it mean to really PAUSE. Try it, PAUSE, what is happening?

Playfully you hid from me.
All day I looked.

Then I discovered
I was you,

and the celebration
of That began.

~Lalla

Today I took an awesome camera class from the illustrious Cameron from Cameron + Kelly  Studios. She is amazing and was able to dumb down the major functions of my Camera for me and the others in attendance. It left me feeling energized, enthusiastic, and totally in love with my camera and photography on a level I haven’t been in a long time. Cameron is a wealth of information, approachable and fun. She doesn’t pretend to be perfect, yet at the same time she exudes confidence and talent. I am totally in love with her “photo-documentry” style and her glowing attitude.