I feel all unraveled at the edges, like my stuffing is coming out and I am really not sure what makes me up most days anymore. I dream of illustrating, + writing and instead I stare off into space completely lost in the mush that my mind has become. Everyone says its just this phase that things will get easier – I am just starting to wonder when.
Henry wants to go to school, he doesn’t nap most days and is a ball of energy who always wants attention. Felix is walking – nearly running, climbs everything, wants to be held and then doesn’t, loves being outside and thinks dirt is yummy. These boys have my edges raw, I am forgetting who I am – what I want + non of this motherhood stuff looks the way I want it to in my dream world.
Is it something I am doing wrong, am I feeding them the wrong food? Was it that half a Popsicle after gym class, or that I read only two books instead of three at bedtime. Why is it that my children won’t sleep, that they are picky eaters, whiny, tantrum throwing ——. Before I had kids and I saw kids misbehaving I always blamed the parents now I am not sure who or what to blame, besides myself.
This ‘Season’ sucks and I am really over it. Yes I absolutely adore these kids, love their snuggles, their laughter, their imagination and their gusto for life, but geez I want to get stranded on an island for a month and sleep. I have no idea how so many moms make it look so easy, so beautiful and peaceful. Someone, give me the silver bullet, please I beg you.